DEXLAB

Hey all!!!:) Looks like no one's been using this message board for a while :)!!! Maybe cause of the "scandal" and all the investigations that went on this month I guess, but I don't really know. Anyhow just wanted everyone to know that I'm back, so you can sign out lab equipment again -- but no funny stuff!!!:) (Just kidding, seriously I am totally kidding). But come on down cause it gets lonely down here(not kidding):(

Also....I got a great bootleg of some early Skitsomerman instrumentals if anyone's interested, but unfortunately they're on audio cassette. If anyone can figure out how to get them on to the computer, I'll post them here. See you soon!!!!!!!!:)

BALL technology status report

We have developed four protoytpes for BALL, and corresponding BALL Halo Browsets. We have done preliminary tests on chimpanzees, with mixed results. Prototypes A, B, and C have been shown to cause debilitating side effects such as nausea, facial twitching and blindness. The side effects remained in the subjects weeks after initial exposure. Prototype D had somewhat better results. Within seconds of donning the Halo Browset, the test chimp began singing the theme from The Love Boat in Portugese. He did, however, suffer severe burns on his head and his fingernails fell out shortly before he died. I think we can call this progress...

LISTEN UP PEOPLE!!!!! I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT BALL IS SCHEDULED TO HIT THE MARKET IN TWO MONTHS!!!!! EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE GODDAMN TV I SEE A NEW AD FOR THIS KILLING MACHINE! EVERY K-MART IN NORTH AMERICA HAS ORDERED THESE DEATH TRAPS! MAYBE ITS TIME SOMEBODY OTHER THAN JUST HAMI AND I WORKED ON THIS PROJECT! I COULD REALLY USE SOME HUMAN CLONE TEST SUBJECTS! I WILL NOT BE THE FALL GUY ON THIS ONE!

Mr. Davix, you can come pick up your keyboard down in I.T. - the one in the third basement - at your leisure.

We replaced it with one that doesn't have a 'Z', so you shouldn't have the same problem. Only now you can't type a 'Z'.

We're working on it.

Clone Security

ZZZZZZZ Look, can we please work on security at the Cloning Vats?! ZZZZ Honestly I'm getting pretty tired of finding the fucking clones running around my section. ZZZZZZZZZZ Clearly someone is giving them the access codes to the fluid silos, and I don't find this amusing, whoever that is doing it, please stop it, or fix it... ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ I've had to restrain three Popes and a Sean Connery from polishing off our sea water barrels. ZZZZZZ So, to anyone in Cloning, I'm going to triple the saline levels in the Vat jelly, and by the way one of the Popes was chewing on a tiny boot, when I found him...ring a bell anyone?....section 13 perhaps?.....ZZZZZZZ....Dr. Quentin?.....

-Section 7 - Fluids ZZZZZZ

Whoever left a rotting clone carcass in the parking lot outside my office window shall remove it immediately. Roger Moore I believe.

Connery found and put to sleep

Ok we found your Connery moping about near the pinball room. He was naked and spouting a lot of gibberish. When we asked him who he was (youre right, he aged a lot - he looks about forty now), he said "Kofi Anan" or something like that. Anyway, Larry remembered your post here and so we took him out back and put him to sleep. Come up to Animal Control and talk to us.

Despite all the improved security lately, a Sean Connery has escaped from the Celebrity Cloning Vats. I hope I don't need to point out how important it is that he not leave the lab. You should be able to recognize him. He is fourteen, but he's aging rapidly.

SECURITY PROBLEM

Sorry about that previous posting. I know what it looks like...kind of awkward isn't it... Yes well, that 'person' shouldn't have been provided with the access code to this site or to the computer wing of section 4c.

Apologies, we are really going to clamp down on that stuff from here on in. But once again, that was not one of those shrunken little people trying to get a message out for help. I know that is what is sure looks like and they sure did a convincing job of it, but rest assured it wasn't a little person asking for help.

gherlp me

i a m stetpping ionkeys

tiny

sec 4c

I saw the guy! The 'short inches' guy. I put him in a cuppe with limons and the juice for the blood cseizure drink, the drink with clams and those tomatos. I am shaking the cup and he says stop before I am drowning so I say shut up you small guy. soon the lab guy 'Denny' comes in for something and he see the guy and he is laughing so hardily. Then he is going to make a drink he says to me, let us have a blood cseizure and he gets the vodka bottles from his desk and he pores it in the cuppe. So now here is a 4 inches guy so drunk he is throwing himself up every where and then Denny urinates, and then the 4inches guy is asleep for a day and a half. He has body stink, but he is here in my desk, then, this morning he is gone. I did not eat him! I am telling you!

Shrinking Boots

Here's an update on the "Shrinking boots" project.

At first we had success with shrinking. However, only the boots were shrinking and not any objects inside. This caused great pain to some of our testers. Then, after tweaking the particle ray settings, we managed to shrink both the boots and the feet. This did not cause any pain, but since no other part of the body was shrunken, it made it impossible for the subjects to walk again.

Wilbur had a great idea and built additional shrinking garments. The idea was to shrink the rest of the body along with the feet. Unfortunately something was lost in the execution - while the shrinking vest & hat set matched the boots nicely, the resulting effect on the human body was of a great deformity and so we abandoned that line of research.

Finally, a breakthrough. We managed to enlarge the suspension envelope so that we could shrink the subject's entire body, using only the boots. The result is an evenly shrunken human! However, we're still trying to restore people to their original size. We thought this would be a simple reversal protocol, but it's not the case. And we didn't plan adequately for the needs of the shrunken people. There was a mishap and a researcher accidentally trod upon one of them. Two others mutinied and we can no longer find them.

So if you see any extremely small people about, please call me. They're about four inches tall.

SOMETHING IS UP WITH HANI

Has anyone else noticed how weird that guy Hani is being? I don't think 'Hani' is his real name but anyway on Friday night me and Garrett were working real late. We ordered a pizza at midnight and went to the front doors to pick it up. That's where we saw Hani with like 8 middle eastern guys climbing out of a Honda Civic. They were carrying tool bags and drills with them. The minute they saw us they started yelling some shit and all climbed back into the Civic and took off. Hani didn't show up to work on Monday. I think someone should look into this.

I thought I'd follow up on the Begbot situation, as we haven't heard from Sgt. Berrau in a longwhile. It's too bad. He's in hospital, they tried to play Ratt's "Lovin You's a Dirty Job" which I guess also causes probs with the bot. As an addition to what Dr 16 said, just stay away from the Ratt in general, there's something about that music! (We should test this further.)

They did lure the bot out but lost track of it during a confusing mishap. Anyway we're putting together a team to help them with it.

Great God, I wish I'd seen this message sooner. I apologize. I've been working very, very long hours under the worst conditions imaginable. I only hope I'm not too late. Read carefully the following:

DO NOT PLAY "Fallen Angel" or "Nothin' But A Good Time" by Poison, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Do not play "Give It All" by Ratt, nor anything off of the album "Dancin' Undercover". AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you play "Poison Angel" by Winger. Having said that, the glam rock technique may be effective.

Also, the BEG9 uses a text-recognition system when targeting places to beg, and should only target pizza stores with "2 for 1" or pizza twin specials. Often, simply changing in-store signage can discourage a BEG9 -- presumably, even one entrenched for weeks in one area.

Unfortunately most pizza store locations are unwilling to risk losing sales, due to lack of volume-to-cost-ratio promotional material, at the store level.

Good Luck!

Hey Sgt. - hope you've had more luck with the begbot. One thing you could try is to play some glam rock. A side effect of the aggression programming was that the bots respond warmly to Twisted Sister, Def Leppard etc. If I were you I would mount a radio on something strong, like a tank, and drive away with the bot following.

Believe me we'd come get it ourselves except that one's all messed up. We're trying to figure out what happened