What the Fuck Happened to Black Fucking Coffee, Dammit??

June 5, 2002 02:21 PM

New Universe columnist Wolf Hardeyk examines the nation's beverage situation and finds it lacking.

Pardon my fucking Spanish, goddamn it, but what's wrong with a good cup of hot, black coffee, for Christ's dirty sake?

When I was a wee, raging lad, black coffee was all anyone wanted in the morning. Just a tall fucking mug of tarry, syrupy sickness - as long as the fucking thing is hot enough to burn my goddamned throat inside out, we were happy. Taste, well - who has the fucking time to taste anything, really? Just fire me up like a goddamned roman candle on methamphetamines, and I'll grit my filthy teeth and take it like a MAN.

But now, I go into these sick YUPPIE trashmongering "cafes" -- oooh, aren't we fancy, in our overpriced "cafe"? What the fuck was wrong with calling the rat trap a Coffee Hole, Coffee Shack, whatever-the-fuck -- and I think the whole shit-kissing world has poured a half-tank of gasoline into its brain and lit a match. Have we all gone INSANE?

Soy latte, frappuccino, mochachino, coffee coolers, "espresso", "coffee with milk" -- WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING??!! Get over your fucking selves and shut up. You don't deserve a cocksucking coffee anyway.

But you want to pay FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for that prissy little SONOFABITCH. Christ, you moron, there's WHITE HOT steam coming out of my FUCKING ears and my EYES are bleeding, I'm so assfucking IMPRESSED. You're so fucking European, aren't you?

Soy milk?? Since when was it acceptable to put soy into your goddamned body? My grandpappy didn't die face down in the shit on the beaches of Normandy so you could put lactose-free non-dairy products into your grande skull-fuck.

Oh, no, wait. I've got a better plan. Why don't you give me your five dollars. I'll put it in my fucking pocket, and then I'll POUR SCALDING HOT BLACK COFFEE over your genitals. Feel good, yuppie?? Then I'll take out your eyes, roast lightly, grind, percolate, and serve DELICIOUS fucking self-cannibal EYE COFFEE to your UGLY FUCKING FACE.

DON"T LOOK AT ME YOU JACKASS!!!!

Wolf Hardeyk is an Anger Management Coach and Rage Power Spokesman. Visit his website, New Anger Success.

Skitfaced Home Celebrity Crime Editorial Sports The Paranormal	What the Fuck Happened to Black Fucking Coffee, Dammit?? June 5, 2002 02:21 PM New Universe columnist Wolf Hardeyk examines the nation's beverage situation and finds it lacking. Pardon my fucking Spanish, goddamn it, but what's wrong with a good cup of hot, black coffee, for Christ's dirty sake? When I was a wee, raging lad, black coffee was all anyone wanted in the morning. Just a tall fucking mug of tarry, syrupy sickness - as long as the fucking thing is hot enough to burn my goddamned throat inside out, we were happy. Taste, well - who has the fucking time to taste anything, really? Just fire me up like a goddamned roman candle on methamphetamines, and I'll grit my filthy teeth and take it like a MAN. But now, I go into these sick YUPPIE trashmongering "cafes" -- oooh, aren't we fancy, in our overpriced "cafe"? What the fuck was wrong with calling the rat trap a Coffee Hole, Coffee Shack, whatever-the-fuck -- and I think the whole shit-kissing world has poured a half-tank of gasoline into its brain and lit a match. Have we all gone INSANE? Soy latte, frappuccino, mochachino, coffee coolers, "espresso", "coffee with milk" -- WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE THINKING??!! Get over your fucking selves and shut up. You don't deserve a cocksucking coffee anyway. But you want to pay FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for that prissy little SONOFABITCH. Christ, you moron, there's WHITE HOT steam coming out of my FUCKING ears and my EYES are bleeding, I'm so assfucking IMPRESSED. You're so fucking European, aren't you? Soy milk?? Since when was it acceptable to put soy into your goddamned body? My grandpappy didn't die face down in the shit on the beaches of Normandy so you could put lactose-free non-dairy products into your grande skull-fuck. Oh, no, wait. I've got a better plan. Why don't you give me your five dollars. I'll put it in my fucking pocket, and then I'll POUR SCALDING HOT BLACK COFFEE over your genitals. Feel good, yuppie?? Then I'll take out your eyes, roast lightly, grind, percolate, and serve DELICIOUS fucking self-cannibal EYE COFFEE to your UGLY FUCKING FACE. DON"T LOOK AT ME YOU JACKASS!!!! Wolf Hardeyk is an Anger Management Coach and Rage Power Spokesman. Visit his website, New Anger Success.	b