SCIENCE FREAKS UNLEASH MONSTERS, ROBOTS

June 5, 2002 02:21 PM

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ: Shoddy security at the secretive Dex Thority Labs (aka DEXLAB) has resulted in a barrage of monster and robot attacks in the lab's peaceful New Jersey neighbourhood, residents report.

Founded by braniac inventor Dex Thority, the labs are apparently up to no good. "All my flowers have been eaten," says neighbour Joyce O'Donnell. "I thought it was just cats and dogs, or maybe night scavengers, but then I saw it was monsters who have been roaming around late at night."

Resident Mysto Cardoso, an author and psychic, claims to have seen a small two-headed monster involved in an altercation with neighbourhood animals. "At first I thought the little devil was attacking them, but then I realized he was communicating with them." Cardoso believes the monster is recruiting house pets and vermin for some sort of uprising. "The tipping point is coming," he added ominously.

Meanwhile, beggar robots of Thority design have taken hold of the local Pizza Hut and are menacing passersby. "They're extremely difficult to move," says Police Captain Daniel Whillinger. "We think they've been set to their most aggressive setting."

DEXLAB spokespeople were unavailable for comment. However, a lab employee who asked to remain anonymous claims the lab security is pitiful. "All hell's breaking loose in there," he said. "Tons of different experiments have gotten completely out of control and the security people are a bunch of [expletive]. They just can't contain it at all."

"When will it end?" asks O'Donnell, an author who works from home. "I can't get any work done, the monsters come in at night and make a lot of noise. They think it's their house now."

DEXLAB is rumoured to be involved in dangerous genetics and robotics research. Sources claim the lab is manufacturing zombies and werewolves, as well as many smaller types of monsters, for nefarious purposes. They are reportedly partnering with the dangerous S.A.N.D.W.I.C.H. and the shady Octuple AAAAAAAA Longhorn-San Food Systems International for a project about which little is known.

Skitfaced Home Celebrity Crime Editorial Sports The Paranormal	SCIENCE FREAKS UNLEASH MONSTERS, ROBOTS June 5, 2002 02:21 PM EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ: Shoddy security at the secretive Dex Thority Labs (aka DEXLAB) has resulted in a barrage of monster and robot attacks in the lab's peaceful New Jersey neighbourhood, residents report. Founded by braniac inventor Dex Thority, the labs are apparently up to no good. "All my flowers have been eaten," says neighbour Joyce O'Donnell. "I thought it was just cats and dogs, or maybe night scavengers, but then I saw it was monsters who have been roaming around late at night." Resident Mysto Cardoso, an author and psychic, claims to have seen a small two-headed monster involved in an altercation with neighbourhood animals. "At first I thought the little devil was attacking them, but then I realized he was communicating with them." Cardoso believes the monster is recruiting house pets and vermin for some sort of uprising. "The tipping point is coming," he added ominously. Meanwhile, beggar robots of Thority design have taken hold of the local Pizza Hut and are menacing passersby. "They're extremely difficult to move," says Police Captain Daniel Whillinger. "We think they've been set to their most aggressive setting." DEXLAB spokespeople were unavailable for comment. However, a lab employee who asked to remain anonymous claims the lab security is pitiful. "All hell's breaking loose in there," he said. "Tons of different experiments have gotten completely out of control and the security people are a bunch of [expletive]. They just can't contain it at all." "When will it end?" asks O'Donnell, an author who works from home. "I can't get any work done, the monsters come in at night and make a lot of noise. They think it's their house now." DEXLAB is rumoured to be involved in dangerous genetics and robotics research. Sources claim the lab is manufacturing zombies and werewolves, as well as many smaller types of monsters, for nefarious purposes. They are reportedly partnering with the dangerous S.A.N.D.W.I.C.H. and the shady Octuple AAAAAAAA Longhorn-San Food Systems International for a project about which little is known.	b