So I'm in Malibu last month to check out the action. I see this hot blonde chick in a bikini by the pool at my hotel. I walk straight up to her and give her a flower (what a charmer--heh, heh). So anyway, she tells me she's on a school trip (drool, drool) and that I cheered her up 'cuz she's all mad at her lame boyfriend who took off with her bestfriend. So I offer to buy her a drink (She orders an ice cream float!) but she keeps blabbing on about this guy (she showed me a picture--total redhead dork). Just when I'm thinking I'm gettin' nowhere with this goody-two-shoes broad, I get an idea. I'm like, you know what would really make your boyfriend jealous? (Wink, wink) She totally agrees and so we go back to my room and well...

Congratulations Betty! Welcome to The House of Squirt! FREE SAMPLE

So I'm just chillin' in Venice Beach one night, smokin' a J and lookin' for some fun and these two weird chicks walk right up to me. You know me, I started eyeing the redhead and she gets all red in the face. So the four-eyed square starts talking about a couple of fags and a dog that got lost at some carnival and the redhead says something about ghosts chasing them and that they need help. And I thought I was stoned! So I say, I'll help you find your pals if you help me with some research that I'm doing on "fluid dynamics". So this science-talk totally turns the nerd's crank, right? Next thing I know we're back at my room setting up the camera for our "experiment". Never knew what hit 'em. Jinkies, indeed.

Cheer up Daphne and Velma! You just made The House of Squirt! FREE SAMPLE

On the way back from a trip to Vegas I stop for the night in one of those suburban towns where everyone is rich, white and stuck up. I go into one of these cyber-yuppie latte joints to take a leak and if I don't see the foxiest little minx sittin' there all prim 'n' pretty. So when I come out of the can I sit at a nearby table, and take out my camera gear (rich girls get all wet for filmmaker types). Right away she asks me if my camera is an antique. Antique? I got it used but its three years old, tops! I'm thinkin', this girl's a total ditz but she's cute as all hell and now she wants to see my "old-fashioned" cell phone (god knows on what planet a brand new Nokia fliptop is "old-fashioned"). I figure, this chick is borderline retarded so I go for a straight ahead approach. I ask her if she'd like to come back to my motel so I can show her "how my camera works". She freaks out, jumping up and down and yelling, Yipee! I'm thinkin', geez, save some for the camera. She did.

Keep Jumpin' Judy! Right into The House of Squirt! FREE SAMPLE

BOYCOTT dinnerLand®!!!

The slavedrivers at my dayjob (you may know me as Kitty Katsup, a member of the dinneLand Gang®) caught wind of this site and they think the 'House of Squirt' reflects badly on them. They fired me, but I sued them for wrongful dismissal. Now dinnerLand International® is suing me. My lawyer suggested that I publicly disassociate 'House of Squirt' from dinnerLand International®. Consider it disassociated assholes! I'll see you in court! now... let's get back to what really matters!